“Watch Kids React…” Video Craze Deemed as New Form of Child Labor

You have probably “watched kids react” on YouTube as they interact with old technology such as record players and rotary telephones.  However, what you may not know is that this formulaic comedy genre capitalizing on the innocence of children has caught the interest of human rights activists.  Many activists have come forth to decry the phenomena as a “deplorable method to amass an insane amount of views on YouTube.”  One video on YouTube by the user “Smash Moth” released a video which showed children playing “Sonic the Hedgehog” on a Sega Genesis.

In response to this video, Dr. Weissler of Harvard university, an international expert on human rights, said “This practice is akin to torture given the current gaming platforms that are available to children in 2015.”

In Weissler’s research, he found the “Watch Kids React” appeared to have first began in the 1960’s when NBC had a variety hour that featured one segment where a child reacted to a butter churn.

“With the Xbox One, Wii U and PS4 available, no child should be faced with playing a Sega Genesis for any reason, including formulaic comedy videos that rely solely upon the naiveté  of children rather than any actual comedy writing ability. I mean what would it be like to have a child react to having to write their homework on a slate slab in Sanskrit rather than type on their iPad? Yeah, sure it sounds funny, but that’s not the point.”

Labor experts are also beginning to question if the children are being appropriately compensated for their video appearances. Dr. Mitchell, a labor expert at UVA, reported, “Apparently not.  I investigated the ‘Sega’ video and found that one child only received a Lunchable, from which the candy had already been taken.  That same child has developed post-traumatic stress disorder and has recurring flash backs to excessively pixelated graphics.  He can’t even bring himself to play video games on present day platforms like the Xbox One. He reads more now, which I guess is a good thing. But what kind of kid reads in 2015. This is definitely not regular behavior.”

Smash Moth has produced over 45 “Watch Kids React” videos, garnering over 50 billion views.  This insane number of views makes them amongst the most popular videos on the internet.  Smash Moth was not available for comment because of a recent incident where a child became severely burned when interacting with a Ford Model T.  In this video, the child had to crank the radiator by hand but at the time of doing so, hot steam erupted for the engine compartment, scalding the child’s hands. While only second degree and expecting a full recovery without any lasting marks, the child currently cannot play video games and now reads more which probably is a good thing.  But again what kind of child doesn’t play video games?

Experts agree legislation needs to be put in place to safeguard children from the “Watch Kids React” video craze, denouncing it as “both derivative, opportunistic, and not fair to have to play a Sega when there’s the Xbox One.”

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The High School Musical Choreography Scene

High school students are seated at their respective lunch tables by social clique.  All of a sudden, the basketball superstar point guard Jason stands in the center of the cafeteria and starts spinning a basketball on his right index finger.  The cafeteria goes silent and all eyes are on him.  He then pops the basketball off his finger and punts it with his right foot across the cafeteria.  He starts doing the moonwalk toward the cheerleader table.  Everyone in the cafeteria stands up and breaks into synchronized choreography.  Well everyone except one student named Dan at a table in the back left corner of the cafeteria.  Jason spots Dan sitting at his table and then runs over to his backpack and takes a megaphone out.

– Hey, everyone let’s take 5.

All students stop dancing and re-take their seats at their respective clique tables.  Jason walks over to Dan.

– Hey Dan, what are you doing?

– Just eating my lunch Jason.

– You’re supposed to be dancing Dan.  Did you not get the choreo video last week to practice at home?

– I mean I did but…

– But, but, everyone is supposed to dance in sync at lunch.

– Can I please be left alone and eat my lunch Jason?

– Well can you go eat your lunch somewhere else?  It’ll be weird for all of us to be dancing, and you’re the only one eating.

– No, what will be weird is that everyone is dancing in unison on the cafeteria tables on a Thursday instead of eating lunch.

– It’s not weird.

– Yes it is.  We’ve been doing this every day since kindergarten and there’s no time to actually learn anything.

– You’re exaggerating.

– I’m in the 9th grade, and I don’t even know how to read.  Some of these kids don’t even know how to count to 10 yet.

– But they all know how to moon walk though.

Jason puts up his right fist for a pound.  Dan leaves Jason hanging sufficiently long enough in silence so that Jason retracts his fist and returns it to his side.

– The moon walk is not going to get us into college Jason.

– Are you always this stressed?

– No, but I am feeling more and more stressed recently.

– You know what’s good for stress?

– What?

– Dancing.

– Seriously?

– Come on just do the “Let’s Beat Our Rivals at Homecoming” dance.  If you don’t feel any better then go try to learn to read or whatever you do now.

– Alright, I’ll dance, but you have to answer one question.  What does 4 plus 2 equal?

– Easy. 42.  Now let’s dance!

Jason turns and starts running towards the center of the cafeteria with the megaphone held high above his head.

– I have to get out of this school district.

Conversation Between a Tape Cassette and a Vinyl Record

– What is so great about being a vinyl record that makes people want to listen to you still?”

– I guess it’s because I’m vintage.

– Vintage?

– Yeah, it’s like an old thing that is appreciated for its quality and character.

– That describes the tape cassette!  I’m vintage!

– No, you’re not.

– What am I then?

– You’re obsolete.

–  I’m obsolete?

– Hey, hey, hey, there, there.  You know I was once obsolete?

– You were?

– I was.

– Well how did you become vintage?

– Hipsters.

– Hipsters?

– They’re people who think old stuff is cool and fashionable.

– What do they think about new stuff?

– They think it’s too mainstream.

– What about vinyl records do hipsters like?

– The vinyl.  The record player.  The needle drop.  The spinning.  The album covers.  The…

– Alright, I get it.  Be honest, is there a chance hipsters might like me?

– Completely honest?

– Yeah.

– You’re like lead paint, man.  Or asbestos.  Like if they find it, they have to get rid of it.

– That all?

– You don’t look cool.  You’re plastic.  You take forever to rewind. You…

– Can stop now.

– Sometimes you just get on a roll and…

– I get it.  This is all the compact disc’s fault.

– If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure the compact disc is never going to be vintage either.

– That’s comforting at least.

My Pleasure: A Conversation at Chic-Fil-A

If you have ever been to Chic-fil-A, you are familiar with an employee’s response to a customer saying, “Thank you.”  Chic-fil-A’s branding with the phrase “My pleasure” catapults it to having by default the most polite employees. But what would it be like for an employee to encounter an even more polite customer?

_______________________________________________________

An employee sits down a tray with a chicken sandwich and waffle fries.

“Will that be all?”

“Yes.”

“Well, here is your sandwich and waffle fries ma’am.”

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

“No, it’s my honor.”

“It’s my duty.”

“No, it’s my privilege.”

“It’s my calling.”

“It’s my delight.”

“It’s my job. I hate my job.”