Relationship Status Check

A waiter walks up to a table seated by two.  Little food remains on the plates.  Disheveled napkins rest on the table.

Waiter: So will the check be together or separate?

The man and woman look at one another.  There is a pause.

Man: Together.

Woman: Separate.

Waiter: Maybe I’ll give you two a few minutes to figure things out?

The waiter walks over to the host stand at the front of the restaurant.

Waiter: I’m tired of people having their “define the relationship” moment over the bill.

Hostess: It’s part of the process.  You have to understand that.

Waiter: I’m not a therapist.  But it is in my best interest for the relationship to work out.

Hostess: Why is that?

Waiter: The tips are so much better if they are a couple.

Hostess: I had no idea.

Waiter: The prospect of love is so intoxicating that I’ve seen it hit a 47% gratuity.

The waiter looks over to the table.

Waiter: Oh goodness, it looks like she’s reaching for her purse, and he’s pulling out his wallet.

The waiter rushes away from the host stand back to the table.

Waiter: So I forgot to mention this earlier, you two look amazing.

Woman: Thank you.

Waiter: When I see couples like this, I know not to give up on my own search for true love.  How long have you been together?

Man: It’s our third date.

Waiter: Surely, you have to be lying.

The waiter lets out a forced laugh.  Neither the woman or the man notice how fake it is.

Woman: Really, it is.

Waiter: But to already have a connection as strong as you have in three mere dates?  How do you do it?

The man prepares to respond.

Waiter: No, don’t tell me.  I’m sure you’ll say there’s no formula or science to love.  I’ll leave this for the two of you.

The waiter places the bill on the table and walks to the host stand.

Waiter: That is how you do it.


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